Stop asking for help like this

Hey Fam,

Last week I talked about why asking for help feels so hard—and the 3 types of support every parent in our situation needs.

A lot of you replied. And the theme was clear:

"I've tried asking for help before. It didn't go well."

I hear you. And today I want to talk about how to ask for help without getting burned again.

If you've been let down before, you're not alone.

Almost every parent I talk to has a story:

The family member who offered to help, then used it against you later.

The friend who said "I'm here for you", then disappeared when things got hard.

The professional who made promises, then didn't follow through.

After enough of those experiences, you stop asking. Not because you don't need help. But because the cost of being let down feels higher than the cost of doing it yourself.

I get it.

But here's the problem: Doing it all yourself isn't sustainable. And isolating yourself doesn't protect you, it just guarantees burnout.

So the question isn't should you ask for help.

It's how do you ask without getting burned again.

Before You Ask: Shift Your Mindset

Here's something I didn't understand at first: Asking for help doesn't mean you're weak. But asking all the time without ever reciprocating? That does become one-sided.

The key is this: Go into it with a mindset of a two-way relationship.

Right now, you might be the one who needs help. That's real. But one day, your mom might need you. Your sister might need you. Your best friend might need you.

If you approach every ask or request is like you're taking, you'll feel like a burden. But if you approach it like this is how relationships work, sometimes you give, sometimes you receive, it feels different.

You're not broken for needing help. You're human.

And humans help each other.

The right vibe comes from knowing that there are people that will be happy to help you now, knowing that when the tables turn, you'll be there for them too.

That's not a transaction. That's a relationship.

3 Ways to Ask for Help the Right Way

Now that your mindset is right, here's how to make it work, for you and the people you're asking.

Over the years, I've picked up a few things that make asking easier, and keep the relationship healthy on both sides.

1. Be Specific

Vague asks lead to vague help. And vague help leads to disappointment.

"I need help" doesn't work. Instead, try:

• "Can you pick up groceries on Thursday?"

• "Can you watch him for 2 hours on Saturday so I can rest?"

• "Can you review this document and tell me what I'm missing?"

Specific asks are easier to say yes to, and easier to evaluate.

2. Match the Person to the Task

Not everyone is good at everything. And that's okay.

Your mom might be great for emotional support but not so good at cooking.

Your sister might be great for practical help but awful at keeping things confidential.

Stop expecting one person to fill every gap. Match the right person to the right task.

3. Set Boundaries Before You Need Them

The time to set a boundary isn't after someone crosses it. It's before.

Be clear upfront:

• "I need you to follow his routine exactly."

• "I'm sharing this in confidence. Please don't bring it up with other family members."

• "If you can't make it, let me know 24 hours in advance."

This isn't being difficult. It's being clear. The right people will respect it. The wrong people will tell you who they are.

🎁 Bonus: Ask What They Need Too

After someone helps you, don't just say thank you. Ask them:

• "Is there anything I can help you with?"

• "What's on your plate right now? Can I take something off it?"

Most people won't expect it. That's exactly why it matters.

This is what turns a one-time favor into a real relationship. You're not just taking, you're showing up. And when people know you'll show up for them too, they stop keeping score.

Right Ask vs. Wrong Ask

Here's something I've learned: Most of the people who hurt you didn't mean to.

The family member who said the wrong thing? They love you. They just didn't know what to say.

The friend who gave unsolicited advice? They were trying to help. They just didn't understand.

The relative who questioned your parenting? They weren't judging you. They were scared, and didn't know how to show up.

That doesn't excuse the pain. But it might open a door you closed.

Some of the people who burned you might deserve another chance, with clearer boundaries and a more specific ask. Not everyone. But some.

Burned by professionals before? I get it.

If you want to talk through what a coordinated team should actually look like—and whether yours has gaps, I'm here.

[BOOK A CALL] 

P.S. Next week: Who should actually be on your team? The roles most families miss, and the ones that matter most.

Verse of the Week:

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

— Proverbs 18:24 (NIV)

Disclaimer: This content is for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical, medical, financial, tax, or legal advice. Please consult licensed professionals who understand your individual situation.